ponderwithpatty

Hey guys. It has been a while! but life… It is mere days away from Christmas and I have been reading about the Christmas Story. And I just have random thoughts about it. Here they are.

So, the Christmas story… You know the one.. An angel appears to Mary. His first words are “Do not be afraid”. Um yea. Many times in the bible when an angel appears they are too magnificent to even look at. People fall to the ground and tremble. So it makes sense he starts it off saying do not be afraid. I wonder if angels think “ugh, stand up, so annoying” lol probably not. The angel tells her she will have a baby and name him Jesus (Which means to deliver or to rescue) and he will be a King. Mary was probably 13 years old, a Virgin, and married to Joseph (but they had not had sexual relations yet). She asks how this will happen because she is a virgin and the angel tells her it will happen by the holy spirit. Her beautiful reply is ” I am the Lord’s servant”. It also states that she was greatly troubled. She was scared but still complied with God’s will. Back then if you had sex out of marriage they would shun you, stone you, etc. basically your life was ruined. When Mary told her husband, Joseph, he basically thought she was lying or crazy. What would you do if your wife told you they were pregnant by God? You would assume they were nuts and had cheated. Would you tell all your friends because you were angry? Throw them under the bus? This is not what Joseph did. He was a good man. The bible says: And her Husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. Reading this makes me think about when I spread gossip, when I complain about my husband to my sister or friend (Just kidding hun, eek), or how quickly I want to talk about the crazy thing this person did. I so desperately want and need to be more like Joseph. Soon an Angel appears to Joseph to corroborate Mary’s story so they are all good. lol What an unsophisticated way of telling this story. What I take away from this is how I want to be like Mary and Joseph. I want to say to God, let your will be done, no matter if I like it or if it scares me. I want to be like Joseph who is an honorable person. Im sure God chose them knowing this is the type of people that they were. I mean He made them that way.

Also, as I read the Christmas story I got pretty consumed with Herod the Great. I was a history major in college and it kind of blew my naive mind when I learned that all these historical figures with “the great” or “the mighty” were not great or mighty.. they were usually murderers and slave drivers who named themselves. Young Patty didn’t catch on quickly. He was also called “the great” because he built amazing things. But still a tyrannical murdering maniac. I thought of my brother too as I learned about Herod. He likes to learn about the evil guys. We all do. Which is why murder shows and hitler documentaries are so popular. Well Herod is up there. He was a ruthless murderer. He was called “the king of the Jews” which is why he wanted Jesus dead to badly. Someone else is thought to be the king of the jews, i think not. When he heard of Jesus’s birth he ordered for all boys 2 and under to be killed, this included his own son. He also murdered his own wife and some of this other sons and relatives during his life. Crazily, Because he was Jewish he would not kill pigs so it was said that it was better to be Herod’s pig than to be Herod’s son. Joseph was warned in a dream that Herod sought to kill Jesus so he was able to keep him safe. Herod ended up dying a very painful death. The pain was so bad that he attempted to stab himself to death but was stopped. He was so worried that no one would mourn his death that he rounded up important men and ordered that they would be killed when he died so there would be plenty of mourners seen. Luckily this was not carried out when he died. What a miserable life. Please let us be Josephs and not Herods.

This Christmas we were lucky enough to see the Christmas star. We believe that this is the star that the wise men were inspired to follow so that they could witness Jesus after he was born. It was not the night of his birth by the way, it could have been up to 2 years after his birth. But I digress. Wise men often studied astrology and knew about the prophecy of the star. What we saw this year was Jupiter and Saturn lining up which appears as one big star. It is the closest two planets have appeared together in 800 years. It is thought that this star could be what the wise men saw around 7 BC. It makes me think about how God and science do not have to be enemies. God invented the science we study and we get to study it along the side of the one who created and designed it. I got to imagine this year that I was one of the wise men spotting the star in the sky and traveling to the one who would save us all. Pretty cool.

Year 2020 was one for the books. I am ready for 2021. But no matter what happened this year I like how Christmas reminds us of Jesus’s birth. That he left a throne in Heaven to be a servant to a sinful people. That he died for us, because he did not want to live without us. That he came to save, not to condemn. He came for the sinners, not for the righteous. He loves us as a father loves a child. He is coming back to make all things new. And I look forward to that. My kids memorized a verse and have been repeating it over and over and here it is:

Thanks for Reading.

What would you do if there was a rat in your house? Scream? Cry? Go crazy? Feel bad about yourself? Cut your couches open with a kitchen knife? Oh, that’s just me? Let me tell you about the week that made me lose my mind. There have always been a lot of rats in our neighborhood. Gross, I know. We live in a nice neighborhood too, we just have undeveloped land around us where rats and mice live. I had two cats named Batman and Robin that enjoy killing the rats and leaving them for me. It is a disturbing sign of my cat’s affection for me. I had specific gloves in my garage that were solely for picking up dead rat carcasses in my front yard. Sometimes they would leave me three or four dead rats in my yard. Sometimes they were in my neighbor’s yard. So I would wake up early, get on my rat gloves, and walk through mine and my neighbor’s yards to pick up murdered rats. Usually their legs or arms were missing. I used to video the massacre that took place on my yard and send it to my brother in law, Cody. One time Cody’s dad, Jeb,  came over to fix my car and Batman was playing with a rat, just toying with it. Jeb told me about how they had them in their garage and he had electric mouse traps that would zap them. He kept a score written in tallies in his garage of how many he got. So I am telling you all of this to prove that I am not a dirty person who has rats in their house!! But here the story begins…

I was a single mom. When things broke at my house I would call the neighborhood handy man to fix what I couldn’t. So the strip at the bottom of the backdoor came off. It is just a rubber strip and it had peeled off. Ugh, another thing to fix. But honestly it was not a big priority. I felt no need in hurrying to fix it. I wish I would have thought about the potential of something getting in the house! So it was really late one night and I was sitting in my living room on the couch. It was quiet. The kids were asleep upstairs. I was scrolling through my phone enjoying some alone time. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something. I thought to myself, “Did I just see a tail go under the refrigerator?” It was so fast that I was talking myself out of what I had just seen. But I was freaked out so I moved the fridge. There was nothing there except for mouse droppings. OH MY GOD. I felt myself start to itch. I couldn’t call pest control until the next morning. My skin crawled. I couldn’t sleep on the couch out of fear. I went to bed and called pest control the next morning as early as I could. It was a Tuesday. They said they could have someone come out on Thursday. UM WHAT? Am I just supposed to let the mouse live in my house with us until then? Apparently so. I pleaded to the woman about having kids. She said she would make a note of it. Kyle, the pest guy came out on Thursday and I told him what happened. He said that it was not a mouse, it was a rat. He shined his light behind my kitchen cabinets and showed me the intruder. There he was looking at us. It was dark so I could only see beady eyes. Kyle went on to tell me that he was setting up a bait box. The rat would eat the bait and desperately need water. So he would go outside the house to find it. Or he would die behind my cabinets where no one could reach him and he would make the entire house smell as his body sat there decomposing. Wow, what a great option. He went on to tell me he had had at least 12 other homes in our neighborhood call with rat problems. They had just leveled a field next to us to build a new neighborhood. I had to admit that that made me feel a lot better. After Kyle was done setting up the bait box he said, “Either way call the office and let me know what happens.” The guy was leaving me with this rat, I was on my own. A couple of days went by. Let me explain to you how high my stress and anxiety were. Every noise made me jump. I don’t even know how many times I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t take it. Am I being a total girl about this? Maybe. But it is a rat yall! In my house! While we sleep!

So a couple of days went by and I hadn’t seen any rat. Even better I couldn’t smell a decaying rat. I kept waiting to smell some horrible smell and know that the rat was behind my kitchen cabinets. 72 hours went by and nothing. I called my mom and said, “Thank God. I think it went outside to find water. I think it is gone.”

The next day I was sitting on my couch. The kids were at school. It was quiet. When all of a sudden I see the rat that I have been terrified of. He walked into the middle of the living room and sat and looked at me. I was frozen. I just stared back at him unable to move. This rat was actually really cute with big round ears. He saw me and I think he was just as shocked. He ran back to the cabinets. While I admit he was cute I was freaking out! What kind of mother am I to have this thing living with us?!?! I went to the store and bout 30 mouse glue traps. I bought three of the electric traps. I read up on it and learned to put peanut butter cups on the traps to lure them to it. I put the traps everywhere: under my bed, under the stove, under the kids beds, under all of the furniture. EVERYWHERE.

The next morning I was filled with hope that I would find him stuck to any 30 of the traps. But what I found was awful! A couple of the traps were moved and his hair was stuck to them! He had gotten stuck and then gotten himself off! AGH! This was so disgusting! I was so stressed out! But I was still hoping that he would get stuck on one of them. That night was the worst night of all of this. I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I heard a thumping noise. I sprung to sit up. I can not explain enough how high my anxiety was that week. And there he was… stuck to a mouse trap… but still walking with one leg.. into my room. I seriously had no idea what to do. This was my chance. I needed to trap him. I had no idea what to trap him with. I got a big glass bowl and was going to place it on top of him and then call pest control. He saw me. He ran under my bathroom door and the mouse trap fell off. He ran through my bathroom and into my closet. My skin was crawling. I had my bowl. I started to move clothes. He ran past me. I screamed and dropped the bowl. He ran into the living room and under the couch. So this whole experience was long before I met Duane but I told him about it.. and this is the part where Duane said I am going to sound crazy…

Let me premise this by saying that these couches were on their last leg. It was a microfiber sectional that I had had for 10 years and they were broken in some areas. So he was under the couch. I was determined. I flipped the couches over.. no rat. I thought, “He has to be in the couches.” I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I went to the kitchen and got a knife. I cut open the bottom of the couches. He was nowhere! How was it possible?!? I still didn’t trust that he wasn’t in there so I pushed the couch out to the curb and made a post about free couches. They were gone in the morning. So now we had no couches. The kids thought it was awesome to have all of that space. This is when I called my sister balling my eyes out. She felt really bad for me and also laughed about how I was losing my mind. I was. I called kyle the pest guy again. I told him everything that happened. He came back and put rat glue traps down. It is the same thing as mouse glue trap except much bigger. We put candy more peanut butter cups on them. That night I once again woke up in my bed to the sound of thumping. I grabbed my laundry basket. Not sure what I was going to do with it. The sound was coming from the laundry room. It was coming from behind the dryer. I climbed on top of the dryer. I didn’t want it to run out at me again. When I was on top of the dryer I looked behind it and there he was. Stuck to a rat glue trap, holding his peanut butter cup.

Now I know that people who are animal lovers are going to say I am awful for trapping him. But when it comes between a rodent and my kids, I pick my kids. And I tried other ways before it came to this. I did feel bad though. I got tongs out of my kitchen. I was not going to touch that thing. I grabbed the trap with tongs and put it into a trash bag. The tongs went also. I said “sorry” as I tied the bag and put it into the trash outside.

My nightmare was over! You wouldn’t believe the amount of cleaning I did that night. Bleach, bleach, and more bleach. I hired the handyman to put a new seal on the backdoor and I will know now to replace it as soon as possible. My sister went with me to get new couches. I picked new black lazy boy sofas that recline. It took them a month to come in. So we had a month of all of the living room space we wanted. At first it was cool and the kids loved it. The last two weeks I was over it and wanted my couches. But now we have them and love them. I am scarred though. Even now, if there is any small noise, I spin around looking for a mouse or a rat. So many times I have moved the fridge and looked behind the cabinets just to check. Even though I had kyle make sure for me. My mom suggested that I write about the rat experience because it is funny. I decided to after my experience two days ago. I was sitting alone at the breakfast table very early in the morning. I heard a small noise. I freaked out. I looked under the table for a rat. It was a balloon floating near the ground from my daughter’s birthday. The rat was my roommate three years ago and I still have this reaction. I laughed it off. A few hours later I went outside to bring the empty trashcans off of the street. As I went to put the lid on one of them a mouse moved inside. I jumped and ran away. I called Duane. I said the trashcans will be there for you when you get home because I don’t do mice or rats. The kids asked if we could feed him cheese. Um no, no we can not. When Duane got home he wanted to let him go. I said, “Do not let him go by our house! Just so he can try to come live with us! Duane and the boys walked far away to release him.

The point of this story is that if you want to make me lose my mind, give me a rat problem. Also, replace your strip on your doors quickly, don’t cut up your couches, beware of your trashcans, and don’t let your kids feed cheese to the rodents around your house if you want them to leave. Thanks for reading.

A few years ago I sat in my house trying to think of what to do. My kids had just left to visit their dad for a week in the summer. I could clean the house or watch TV or catch up on sleep. I didn’t want to waste this week, it would be over before you knew it. I didn’t want to sit around and miss my kids either. So I decided really quickly to pack a bag and hit the road. I love reading articles by the Huffington Post. I had just read something about the perfect Hill Country Weekend Road trip. I called my sister and brother in law who advised me not to go alone. My sister thought it was unsafe and my brother in law didn’t trust my car to get my there. But I was single and had three kids. If I always waited for someone to go with me I would never do anything. It was funny how my sister lectured me to check in with her at all times and that I had better answer my phone.

The plan was to drive to Gruene, TX where Gruene Hall is located. Gruene Hall was built in the 1800s. It is Texas’ oldest and most famous dance hall. I wanted to eat at the Gristmill and then go get a beer and listen to music at Gruene Hall. The Gristmill is located under Gruene’s famous water tower. It is a restaurant built out of a cotton gin from the 1800s.  I booked a room at the Gruene River Inn for one night. The next day I would drive down to the Comal River and float the river, alone (Dunn Dunn Dunn). Next, I would drive to Wimberly to go to Jacob’s well. Wimberly is a town everyone loves. It has unique shops and eclectic art. Jacob’s Well is a natural well that people from all over go to visit and explore. When I was done there I would drive to Fredericksburg. Fredericksburg is an old German town in Texas. I booked a room at the Hampton Inn. My plan was to eat German food and listen to music that night and then wake up early to climb Enchanted Rock. Enchanted rock is a pink granite mountain located north of Fredericksburg. Legend has it that Indians said it had magical powers. Hence the name “Enchanted Rock”. The Europeans said that unexplained creaking came from the rock. This later was explained as the mountain contracting at night after the heat of the day had worn off. People still put their ear to the rock to see if they can hear it. And yes I tried it. I heard nothing. After hiking Enchanted Rock I would go to the natural bridge caverns.  Then the trip would come to an end.

There is nothing like a road trip. I rolled my windows down. I didn’t care how I looked. Hair on top of my head, jean shorts, t shirt, jammin out to only Texas country. No one gave me their opinions or changed my music or had an alternate itinerary. I drank my coke zero and headed away from any worries. I like to say that I ate like a forager that first day. I stopped along the highway to buy peaches, blackberries, walnuts, and figs. That was my road trip picnic that sat next to me in the passenger seat. I finally got to Gruene River Inn. It was a block away from Gruene Hall. It was old and quaint looking. I went to check in and met the lady at the desk. It was a Monday. She told me that I was the only person staying at the hotel. She gave me a key. She said “After 10:00 tonight the grounds keeper will go home. If you come back after that you will have to unlock the outside of the hotel and lock it back. Breakfast will be in the dining hall tomorrow. You are our only Guest so would you like breakfast tacos?” Of course I said I did. I got the key and headed to my room. My room was awesome. Queen bed, old firewood burning stove, and a balcony overlooking the river and trees. The balcony was small and the banister moved when you touched it. I sat in a chair very close to the wall. I made up my mind to be back at the hotel by 9:45 pm. The image of me coming back to an empty hotel and someone following me in and murdering me flashed through my mind over and over. So I unpacked and got dressed in Jeans and boots and curled hair. I walked the block to Gruene Hall. The Gristmill restaurant is beautiful. It is right next door to Gruene Hall. I was seated and ordered an Alamo beer and a burger. I sat under all of the trees and watched the sun going down. I looked out over the water. When I was done eating I walked to Gruene Hall. A band I cant remember the name of was playing. It was a Monday so it wasn’t a big concert. I ordered a beer and listened to music. A guy asked me to two step. We danced to a song about Donald Trump being orange. I got another beer and listened to more music. At 9:30pm I walked the block back to my hotel room. My sister was blowing up my phone. I got into my room and candles and flower petals were around the bath tub. A note from the hotel said something about it being complimentary. Again, murder crept through my mind. I eventually got over it and  turned the candles on (batteries). That night I read books that I had brought and fell asleep. The next morning I sat out on the balcony. This was the first time that I started to draw. I am not good at drawing or painting but I like to do it. I am not being humble. I am not good. ha. I drew Gruene Hall. I tried to draw the river and failed. I packed my bag and went to the breakfast room. I sat in the huge breakfast room alone eating breakfast tacos with hot sauce. I was sitting against a window high above the river and trees. Humming bird feeders were placed all along the outside of the windows and tons of hummingbirds were flying around while I ate. I had one of those moments where you just feel like you are blessed to be exactly where you are. Before check out I sat in one of the hotels reading nooks. I drank coffee and read some more. I wished I could stay longer but I had more places to go.

I drove to a place in New Braunfels where you could park your car and ride a school bus down to the river. The school bus parks and you get out and get your tube and get in the freezing river. I floated down the river soaking up the sun. I watched deer run along the sides of the river. I watched all of the college kids drink way too much. The good old days ha. I would get out of my tube and swim for a while and then get back in and take in more sun. I only went around one time. Floating alone is relaxing but being alone in crowds of people partying feels kind of weird. I returned my float and road the school bus back to my car. I slipped a dress over my swimsuit. Then I headed to Wimberley.

I had never been to Wimberley but I had heard a lot about it. I parked and went in to a coffee shop. I got a coffee and walked along the streets that were filled with shops. I went in and bought random candles and socks. But the main reason I was there was to go to Jacob’s Well. I wanted to jump into the well. I wanted to hold my breath and swim as far as I could down the well. As I walked up to the entrance I realized how I didn’t plan for this. You had to have a wrist band. Your wrist band was a certain color and you could only be at the well for 45 minutes. When your time was up they asked for your color to leave. They were completely sold out for the day. No! I thought. I came all this way. As I was about to admit defeat a couple came walking out. I said, “I’m so sorry to ask you this but since you are leaving can I have your wrist band?” The guy looked at me weird but said sure and gave it to me. I had 15 minutes. I walked the dirt and rock path to get back to the well. About 20 other people were there. They were swimming or jumping into the well. The well just looks like dark water. I swam around for a while trying to get the nerve to go in front of a lot of people I don’t know to jump into an underwater well. As I swam an older, chubby man got up on the rocks to jump in. He was nervous and he was taking a while. He kept wiping his glasses. There was a group of high school boys there. They started chanting, “Gary! Gary! Gary!” and he held his nose and jumped. The boy next to me in the water said, “We have no idea who that guy is or what his name is but he looks like a Gary.” Then the boy asked if I wanted to borrow his goggles. I put them on and swam not far at all down the well before my ears popped. I got out of the water and climbed the rocks. I jumped in the well. I hated it but I did it. When my time was up I got dressed and walked around the property. I saw deer and lizards. I walked under all of the trees. I was walking down a steep trail when I fell and rolled my ankle. I remembered our pastor saying something like, “If you aren’t falling then you aren’t trying”. I thought well at least I know I am doing something. Even if I lack any Grace while I’m doing it. I got in my car and headed to Fredericksburg.

I had left Wimberley and was headed to Fredericksburg. I had a reservation at a hotel there near Main street. It was about 5:45pm when I noticed my tire was EXTREMELY low. My tire gage said 11 and it was going down every mile. I looked up the closest tire shop and it said it was 15 miles away. I called them and they said that if I could get there by 6:00 they could look at it. I had 15 minutes and 15 miles to get to a place I had never been before I was left on the side of the road with a flat tire. I got there and they fixed it in 10 minutes. (This is where it comes in that it might not be wise to travel alone). Then I went to my hotel. I checked in to my room, got dressed, and went to main street. I ate at a place called Otto’s. I sat outside under Edison lights and drank a German beer while I ate German food. Then I walked to a bar and had a beer while I listened to the cutest old man sing and play his guitar. I got back to my hotel and showered and slept.

The next morning I woke up very early. I packed my backpack with drawing materials, books, water, sunscreen, and a polaroid camera my sister had bought me. (This is way too much weight to hike with, I learned that quickly). I was ready to hike Enchanted Rock. A lot of people I knew had already done this and I had always wanted to. I went down to the lobby to get coffee first. In the back of the hotel there was land to walk around. There was a stream that I sat next to while I drank coffee. It was probably 6am. I loved it. When I got to Enchanted rock I went inside to pay for a ticket. It was early and only about 10 people were inside but people were freaking out. I asked a girl what was going on. A Spurs player was there and everyone was trying to get a picture. I’m sorry I cant tell you who it was because I have no idea. I got my ticket and left. I saw the poor guy basically running out of the office as I walked away. He got a ticket and was trying to get away from the teenage girls who probably never watched any of the games. It is a big rock and I didn’t see him again. It is beautiful out there. The rock has a lot of paths, easy and hard. I saw couples and kids and families all hiking up to the top. As I was out of breath and hiking a lady came up to me. She had two kids with her. She said, “Excuse me miss but are you hiking alone?” I said yes. She said to her kids, “I told you she was hiking alone. Isn’t that brave guys?” Then she asked me if I would like to hike with them. I politely said thank you but that I was okay. I later told my brother that story and he said, “Why the hell would you want to hike with a random family for?” ha I don’t know but I’m sure she was just very nice. Probably half way up the rock I sat by myself next to a cactus with flowers. I got out my drawing stuff and started to draw probably the worst cactus ever imagined. A man stopped and said, “Are you an artist?” I said, “Oh God no, I’m terrible. I just like to do it.” He began telling me how I am probably being modest and how his son wanted to be an artist. He said his son was at the top of the rock but maybe he could see some of my drawings when he came down. I again told the man that I was in no way an artist and he didn’t want to use me as an example. He did not listen and said they would find me on the way down. I took a different way down. I finished my terrible drawing and hiked to the top. I stood at the top with wind blowing and hawks flying above me. I towered over all of the trees and land below. I stayed there for a while and then hiked back down and got to my car.

The Natural bridge caverns are right next to Enchanted rock. I bought a ticket and spent 45 minutes walking through them. I saw stalactites and stalagmites. I saw a room called the room of Giants. The tour ended and I headed to Main street to eat at the Old German Bakery. That’s the name of the place, “Old German Bakery”. I sat at a table and ordered coffee and all the food. I got German pancakes which are flat dense pancakes. I got a pastry from the huge display case and I ate German sausage. I people watched and thought about how one day I would write about this trip. I finished eating and visited the pioneer museum. You walk through pioneer homes and businesses. Beware the creepy mannequins that are in some of these houses. This was the final plan I had for my trip. It was time to go home. I got in my car and got back on the highway. Not too long after I was back on the road I saw a small road sign for Luckenbach. I had heard a lot about Luckenbach. I turned. Luckenbach is an unincorporated community 13 miles from Fredericksburg. It is famous for country music and good BBQ. It has a post office and saloon on the property that dates back to the 1800s. It is now used for a venue for country music and has become a spot that draws tourists in. Willie Nelson has been known to visit there. I was on a dirt road for a long time when my GPS stopped getting signal. Great, I was going to be lost in the middle of nowhere. Then I saw a sign that said Luckenbach loop. And another sign that said “Park Yonder”. I parked in a dirt parking lot and walked up to the old post office. I walked inside to find a shop and a bar. A dead possum was stuffed and in a display case. A Rooster named Rusty walked around the shop. He has his own facebook page. There was a truck selling BBQ so I bought some and a coke. I sat at a table while three men with beards played their guitars and sang. I felt far away from home. I walked around the land and across a bridge and sat under huge trees. I loved feeling far away from everything. But I also knew my kids would be home in two days. I had a great trip. It was better than I expected. But I was ready to go home. I got in my car, rolled the windows down, put on Texas country and drove back home.

A couple years later my mom and I took my kids to Fredericksburg. They hiked Enchanted rock. They ate peaches from the stands along the highway. We stayed at a small motel and they swam in the pool and ate German food. They even got shirts that say “I don’t give a schnitzel”. I took them to Luckenbach where they ate BBQ and pet the Rooster. Jack even found a pocket knife buried in the dirt by one of the huge trees. A solo road trip is something I think everyone should do. It was such a good experience for me. But taking your kids on trips like this is the best. Going with your significant other is awesome too. Duane and I have been back to Fredericksburg and have had new experiences. We ate at a restaurant that is technically underground and stayed in a cabin from the 1800s. We ate peach ice cream and hiked Enchanted rock together. We went to a winery and to Arc de Texas to see amazing views. If you do decide to go on a solo trip, that’s awesome! But a few tips…. Maybe don’t stay at a hotel as the only guest. It has a major “The Shining” vibe. And check your tires before you go. Make sure you have bought wristbands ahead of time if you need them. And have an uptight sister who bosses you around makes you check in with her 20 times a day. But besides that I highly recommend it. Thanks for reading.

So, How has quarantine been treating you? The videos I have watched about covid-19 and the news scares me so I am all about quarantining… But! It is rough! In no way does our “rough” compare to all of the medical field and sick people around the world. But none the less, for all of the people at home we are still dealing with our own form of “rough”. I have a first, second, and third grader at home. We do school work Monday through Friday for a few hours each day. I have actually been surprised at how well it has worked out. Their teachers are super organized and helpful. The kids definitely fight me on it but I am a master at bribing. But it is a lot! I am ashamed about the amount of times I have to google things for 3rd grade math and science. Is this a larva? Is a rhombus also a parallelogram? Aghh! Or try explaining cause and effect to my son who is yelling “blast off!” and running in place. ADHD does not go away for a pandemic. We were just told that schools are officially not going back this year. We all knew this was coming. But that means 6 more weeks of homeschooling. Deep breath. But, there have been some benefits to doing school with my kids. We sleep in a little and eat breakfast without rushing. Now they even help to make the breakfast sometimes. We complete an assignment and then go for a walk, bike ride, jump on the trampoline, watch a show, or play a game. We finish more school. We make lunch and eat together… Unless I hide in my room to get a little space while they eat. Then more school and then I tell them, “OKay, you finished for today! you are free!” And they run off as fast as they can. The kids are getting a lot more down time. Kiley used to cry sometimes after school because she was tired. We aren’t running to basketball or juijitsu or gymnastics after school now. We are playing, planting gardens, camping on the patio, baking everything, drawing, painting, doing so many things that we have not had time for.

Even though some good things have come out of a forced quarantine there is no denying that the days are running together and sanity is lost at times. I actually fixed my hair one day and Colt said, “You look different.” We set up an office for Duane in the closet. It is his cloffice. I am zooming with my small group at church. I facetime my family and text my friends. I am lucky enough to have neighbors that we can hang out with. But I miss getting dressed, going somewhere, not feeling stuck. I miss the gym, nail places, restaurants, church, seeing friends in person, family get togethers, date nights, ALONE TIME, I miss my brother and seeing my kids involved in activities.

It is interesting to find out what you come up with when you cant go anywhere. I have jumped on a trampoline after years of telling my kids “not right now”. I have watched shows I didn’t have time for. And Tiger King entertained us all for a while. I got a fitbit and realized how little steps I take in a day. I have looked through old photos and memory books. I donated money to nurses. I dropped care packages to people with the kids. I face time with my mom now. I wonder why she only puts half of her face in the shot. The kids and I have picked flowers and made floral arrangements. We have played board games and done puzzles and gotten out play dough. We have taken art classes and painted We drive to drop off coffee and breakfast to Mimi. We refinanced our house and worked more on our budget. We have cleaned the house and organized closets and drawers. I have contemplated new tattoos, new hairstyles, getting a new fence, new careers. We have had a pizza Italian night. Did you know there is a music station called “Italian cooking music”. Try it out. We put up a hammock. I have slept in it, read in it, stared at birds and squirrels in it. contemplated the meaning of anything in it. Started to wonder if this is how you start to lose your mind so I went back inside. We drove over to our families houses and stayed at a distance to see them. The kids and I put leftover Easter eggs in our friends yard just to get out of the house. I have walked my dog so many times. She probably loves this quarantine. I have tried to persuade Duane to get me a golden retriever puppy. I failed. Good call, Duane. We have had all the wine, all the beer. Now I am taking a break from it. I started to make my bed every morning. Read the book “Make your bed”. It is written by a navy seal and it is a short read. I have had so much coffee. We have planted a garden in the backyard. Tomatoes, strawberries, and bell peppers coming soon. I put plants on the patio and have decided to make it a jungle haven out there. Then I fantasize about having land and chickens and goats and horses one day. I have read my bible. I have a stack of other books I am reading or going to read. I have read self help books and worked on our premarital counseling book. Duane and I have started doing a small devotional together and praying together. If that is not something good that has come out of all of this then I don’t know what is. We have made ev-er-y-thing in the kitchen. Banana pudding, beer bread, blueberry muffins, pumpkin cookies, chocolate chip cookies, pancakes, French toast, omelets, peach cobbler, and countless dinners. I have jogged in the mornings, found a snake once. I STARTED A BLOG. I have time now to do bible study with the kids, something I have always meant to do. I will start it and then we forget or I am tired or it is late. That has been fulfilling to finally start to do with them. Laundry and dishes are done daily 100 times. After week one I said, “you use one cup a day and one outfit a day!” We have done spa facials with the kids. They have done my makeup. oof. This is such a rant and I think it is fitting because that is how these days have felt.. like a blur of activities and teaching and trying to think of what to do.

The smart thing to do is to try to think of this time as an opportunity to enjoy what we never have time to do. I know that is easily said and hard to do. My anxiety has gotten worse. My patience has gotten worse. We had to reschedule our wedding which was supposed to be on May 2nd. We had to postpone our honeymoon. But as long as everyone stays healthy and we make it through this I will try not to complain. Kiley and Jack have birthdays coming up. They are 3 days short of a year apart so we always have a joint party. This year they know they cant have friends over. I was so worried about their reaction but they handled it so well. We bought a blow up slide and pool, gifts, decorations, and they get to make their own cakes this year. We are having a party with just us and I think it will be great. We had Easter just us and that was fun too. I missed my family being all together at my moms but we made it work. Mimi even came over and hid eggs for them and air hugged them from a distance. She also made everyone in the family a mask. The kids like to wear them and pretend they are ninjas. Jack wears his on every bike ride.

So the only thing I haven’t done is tried to get in shape, which is next. yay…… We might organize the garage, power wash the patio, put mulch in the front yard, come up with healthy meals, start yoga, go kayaking, de-clutter, send out cards to friends and family in the mail, create vision boards, play basketball in the driveway, watch the new little women movie, whiten my teeth, try “clean” makeup products, or finally dust all of the fans. The kids get to learn how to do different chores. They are about to start to get an allowance and have to budget their spending, saving, and donating. There is an endless amount of things we can come up with to fill our time.

This is a weird time in our lives but we shouldn’t waste it. We all have had our moments of being scared and stressed. We do not know why things like this are allowed to happen. Great advice I heard was that instead of asking God why things are happening, ask him what he is trying to teach you at this time. I am a firm believer that God does not cause these bad things to happen. Everything does not happen for a reason. We live in a broken world and bad things just happen sometimes. But he is with us through them. So while we continue to think of different ways to occupy our time, hopefully we can be grateful for our health and this extra time to not be distracted. Lets keep praying for the medical field, the people who are sick, people who have lost their jobs. We are apart but together.

Send me ideas on what you are doing during the quarantine! Thanks for reading.

Writing about the bible always makes me nervous. I never want to misconstrue the word of God. I am not a theologian. I will probably get things wrong. I only can write about my own experience and perceptions. I don’t always enjoy reading the bible. But I love those aha moments that make you stop and think, “wow, that was God talking to me.” Or the times that make you just revel in the awe of God and Jesus.

One of my favorite parts of the bible is about Peter. He was one of the 12 disciples of Jesus. Why do I like this story? Because I can apply it to my life. I see myself in Peter. Humans are imperfect, sinful, going to fail and fall short no matter what. Peter definitely falls short. He loved Jesus. He told Jesus that he would go to prison for him or die for him. But Jesus knows our hearts. He knew peters heart. He told peter, ” Peter, let me tell you something. Before the rooster crows tomorrow morning, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

Jesus is betrayed by Judas and is arrested. He is taken to the high priest’s home. Peter follows them. The guards sit around a fire in the courtyard and Peter joins them. A servant girl points him out as one of Jesus’s followers. Peter said, “Woman, I don’t even know him.” Then another person said, “You must be one of them.” Peter said, “No, Man, I’m not!” About an hour later someone else insisted, “This must be one of them, because he is Galilean, too.” But Peter said, “Man, I don’t know what you are talking about.” While he was still talking he heard the rooster crow. At that moment the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Peter remembered what Jesus had said and he left the courtyard and wept bitterly.

It sent shivers down my body when I read that the Lord turned and looked at him at the moment the rooster crowed. Can you imagine? Peter did love Jesus. He feared for his own life. I can sympathize with that. How do we know that we would be brave enough to die for what we believe in or for who we love. I constantly pray thanking God for continuing to seek after me while I stray for him over and over. Jesus knew that Peter was going to sin against him and he prayed for him. Peter repented and Jesus forgave him. He forgives us over and over.

Jesus was crucified and rose from the grave. When Peter heard that Jesus’s body was not in the tomb he ran there to see for himself. Jesus appeared to his disciples several times. One of those times Peter was on a boat fishing. When he knew he saw Jesus on land he jumped into the water to swim to him. The rest of the men stayed on the boat and made their way to the land. Then Jesus has a talk with Peter. Jesus asks Peter three times, “Peter, do you love me?” If you look at the Greek translation the questions sound like this: ” Do you love me? Do you really love me? Are you even my friend?” The conversation goes like this:

Jesus: Peter, Do you love me?

Peter: Yes, Lord. You know I love you.

Jesus: Then feed my lambs. Peter, do you really love me?

Peter: Yes, Lord. You know I love you.

Jesus: Then take care of my sheep. Peter, Are you even my friend?

Peter: Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.

Jesus: Then feed my sheep.

Jesus continued talking to Peter, revealing to him that he would die a death that glorified God. That he would be persecuted. Then Jesus said, “Follow me.” Peter spent his life leading people to Jesus. Christianity was outlawed in Rome. Peter was crucified during the persecution of Nero. It is claimed that he requested to be crucified upside down because he felt unworthy to die in the same manner as Jesus and that the Romans agreed.

I think we can agree that Peter royally screwed up. Then we see him repent and be forgiven. And we see him prove his loyalty and love and devotion to Jesus. Even to death. When I first read Jesus asking Peter three times, “Peter, Do you love me?” It moved me. Peter had been a disciple of Jesus and had gone back to being a fisherman. His savior and friend had stared him in the eyes as he betrayed him. He probably felt lower than low. Peter had denied Jesus three times. Then Jesus gives him three chances to say that he loved him. Jesus was preparing Peter for the future but it also reminded me of parenting. Jesus’s love for us often reminds me of the love I have for my kids. They mess up and can make me irate. But I always want to put my arms around them and tell them I will always forgive them and they have the chance to make better decisions and be better people.

Peter denied Jesus. But Jesus still loved him and used him to spread the word about Jesus, the savior. Do you think that you have done too many bad things to be loved by God or saved? You haven’t. There is nothing bad enough that God has not already forgiven. It does not matter what you have done. God will still use you. There is still a plan for you. We are human and imperfect. We will sin and mess up. But God is always there waiting for you to turn back to him. He is a loving father that wants a relationship with you. All of our sins were forgiven at the cross when Jesus died in our place.  Jesus asked Peter “Do you love me?” Isn’t he asking us the same question. He told Peter to follow him. Are we? Thanks for reading.

There is a story in my family that I have loved since I was a child. My great grandmother was the sweetest human to ever live. The story I knew went like this: Granny and Grandpa were in love but they were poor. He wanted to give her a wedding ring but he didn’t have the money. So he got a nickel and melted it down and made her a ring. She loved it. She cherished it. She never took it off. Eventually the back of the ring was completely wearing away. Grandpa bought granny a real wedding ring. But she always preferred the nickel. I imagine myself hearing that story as a kid with hearts in my eyes. How lovely. But when you hear the rest of the story the hearts go away and the story has a whole new meaning.

I have few memories of my great grandmother. Her name was Dovie.  We all called her granny. She was small and quiet with white hair. I remember she always gave me socks, underwear, and $5 on birthdays. I remember her 80th birthday cake having so many candles and the fire getting high. I remember her teaching me to read the bible, a memory I now love to look back on. Honestly, I didn’t know her very well. As an adult, the stories that I have heard make me want to go back in time and get to know a woman like that.

She was married to Grandpa. They were married very young. The nickel ring is a true story. He promised her a good life and that they would travel. Traveling never really happened. Grandpa’s real name was James Steveson. He owned a body shop that was attached to their house with an arc. He called the shop Steve’n Son Shop.

He was a mean drunk. He hit her. She would make dinner and he would throw it off the table. He would pull his pocket knife out and tell the grandkids that he would cut their ears off. He kept a fifth of whisky that was wrapped in a paper bag under his chair. The chair that was only his and no one else could sit in. My mom remembers him sitting in that chair when she was a child. The chair was in front of the kitchen. My mom walked outside and around the house into the back to talk to granny in the kitchen so that she wouldn’t have to walk by him.  Granny didn’t drink. She didn’t drive. She would be at home taking care of the kids, cooking, and cleaning while grandpa was in another county with his girlfriend. They lived in a dry county so he would take his girlfriend across the county line to the dive bars in that area. The only time granny drove was when she would go pick him up because he was too drunk to drive. When grandpa’s mother was in the hospital he brought his girlfriend with him, while granny was there. Can you imagine picking up your drunk husband from a date he was on with another woman? Can you imagine him bringing her around you? Can you imagine picking dinner up off the floor after he throws it off the table? Can you imagine seeing him passed out on the couch after he has hit you?

Rumor has it that her son got into a fist fight with Grandpa because he had once again hit her. Grandpa was left with two black eyes and never hit granny again. Another Rumor spread around our family that Grandpa decided to throw dinner off the table again and granny hit him upside the head with a frying pan. Man, I hope that part is true. My mom asked her once, “Granny, why did you marry Grandpa?” She said, “oh honey, he was so debonaire.”

Granny’s daughter, Minnie, committed suicide. How much can one woman take? My mom loved spending time with Granny. She remembers spending the night with her and laying on a pallet. Granny said she was going to walk to the cemetery early in the morning to visit her daughter but then she would be back. But my mom wanted to go. Granny said ok but told her they would have to get up very early. My mom walked with her about a mile along the busy highway to get to the cemetery. Granny made this walk every day to visit her daughter’s grave. She told my mom that at one time she had thought that she just couldn’t take it, the pain was too much. She was thinking about walking in front of one of the eighteen wheelers that kept passing by her as she walked on the side of the road. But she told my mom that she just couldn’t do that to the driver. That is classic Granny for you. She couldn’t hurt anyone.

Grandpa died in his 60s. It was a heart condition but I’m sure the drinking didn’t help. Granny lived into her 80s. Granny ended up living with her daughter, My aunt Martha. Aunt Martha said she was thankful to get to enjoy 20 years with granny without grandpa. My aunt Martha was beautiful when she was young. Elvis once walked into a fast food restaurant in Lufkin, Texas and asked my Aunt Martha to go on the road with him. She didn’t know who he was, he wasn’t that famous yet. She told him no, that she was going to college. She became a teacher. She married my Uncle Ronny who was a Judge in Galveston County. I once worked as a law clerk and the lawyer I worked for had a sketch of my uncle with a mean face in her office. I said “That’s my uncle!” She said ” OH my God, you are related to Hang em High Wilson?” I guess he was pretty tough in the court room but I only saw him as sweet uncle Ronny with his suspenders and tie. I remember going to their house for family events. They had a wall of books and my sister and I found some of those fake books that are empty that you hide things in. We thought that was so cool. I have one now :).But I digress, they took great care of Granny.

There were two grannies in our family so my sister, Tina, decided to call this granny, Fat granny. She was the chubbier one. Granny laughed and signed her cards as  “Fat Granny”. She was a Christian woman. She read her bible and went to church. But you knew she was Christian by the way she lived her life. My Uncle Ron always refused to go to church but he started to go because of Granny. He said he would never be good like granny, he just didn’t have it in him. But he would do anything for Granny so he went to church. In her older age she would go to the senior center. A man there asked her to go get an ice cream cone. My aunt took them. It made another lady at the center jealous and granny said she was “tickled”. Isn’t that the cutest thing ever? We went to see her when she was close to dying. I sang to her while she laid in bed. She said “I see him, I see him”. I asked her, “who do you see?” but she never answered me. She was on a lot of meds and She had also seen dogs and other hallucinations. But I always wonder who she saw.

I started this out wanting to write about the “nickel ring” but as I interviewed people to get facts right I realized it is only a detail. The better story is the one about Dovie Steveson. If ever a name was so right for someone it was hers. She was sweet and peaceful like a dove. No one would have ever known about the things that she went through. She dealt with so many hard things in her life and still kept her faith and it was seen by everyone in her family. I know one day I will see her again and I look forward to that. Thanks for reading.

All week I have avoided writing this. I once heard that whatever you don’t want to write about, what is painful to write about, well that’s what you should write about. So here I go. I sat in church one day. I was by myself as usual. I was finishing up a very painful divorce that took a year. I had three small kids and I was tired. I was lonely. I had an extremely hard time with feeling depressed. I would cry for no reason. I sat there and the pastor said the title of the sermon, “Daddy Issues”. It kind of made me smile because I had been told my entire life that I had daddy issues. I didn’t believe it. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t think it was that. My father died when I was three. He worked at a chemical plant that exploded. He was one of the 17 men that died that day. My mom worked there too. She heard the explosion. She was told he was okay by someone but quickly learned that he wasn’t. I don’t remember a lot from that time. I remember someone bringing us flowers. I remember those flowers being dried out and in a drawer at our house. I remember moving to a new house. That’s about it. I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad. I remember him being in a robe, sitting in a recliner. I remember him driving my sister and I around in a motorized bike at a BBQ. That’s all I remember. I had a terrible Step-dad for a while. Those are the father experiences I have. I hear that my dad was handsome and manly. I’ve also heard he was an ass. I think he was probably all of these things.

My mother was great. She moved us to where there was a good school district. We moved into a beautiful house. She has always had a way of making life beautiful. She was determined to make us all okay. She put us in therapy many times in my life. Some times I did not want to go. I appreciate that she did that now. I grew up with so much. My mom put us in every activity we wanted: gymnastics, cheer, drill team, basketball, horseback riding, piano. I’m sure there are more. We went on vacations every year. She was there for us at every game, school event, every time I was sick, or upset. She jumped up and down with me when I got accepted into college. I did not want for anything while I was growing up. Because of all of this I did not agree when therapists would say I had father issues. “No, I really don’t.” I would say. I never sat around and cried about my dad. Most of the time I didn’t think about it at all. I had a very good life and was taken care of. My sister and I have talked about how we feel guilty for having the issues we have because our life was so great. I don’t want to claim all of these issues when other people have suffered so much worse. Our situation is nothing compared to what other people have gone through. But pain is pain, no matter what it is. So I totally disagreed with the notion of having daddy issues.. until I could not deny it.

I dated the same guy off and on through high school and college. I had just graduated college when we broke up. We had dated for 7 years. I had never really been alone. I did not know how to be alone. I had to keep myself busy. That meant I had to be dating someone. I had to be out with people. The second I was alone I would cry, I would be out of breath. I would call my mom and say “I don’t know what is wrong with me.” Fast forward to my divorce. I would call my mom and say “I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just cry. I’m just sad. I don’t know why.”

So like I said, I was sitting in church and the pastor starts talking about daddy issues. I thought well I probably need to hear this. He starts talking about how some women have a hole in their heart created by the lack of a father. He said some women cant sit in a room alone by themselves without feeling so much pain caused by this. (I teared up writing that). He went on to talk about what the role of a father is supposed to be. Then he explained how God is our father. He loves us. We are children of God. He loves us like a father would love his child. He will never forsake us. He is always with us. He has great plans for us. When the sermon ended I thought, “No, wait! What do I do though?? Please explain what I’m supposed to do!” I wanted to do anything to get rid of that feeling. Sylvia Plath is a poet and author who ended up killing herself by putting her head in an oven. I studied her writing in college and it is dark and super interesting. She wrote a book called The Bell Jar. In that book she describes how she feels like talons grip her heart. My pain was kind of like that.

Through out my life I have jumped from every relationship to another one. I was looking for male validation. That is how I got my self worth. It started in kindergarten with my first crush and kept going until I literally tired myself out like a child. Each time I got into a relationship I was “in love”. Really I was in love with the idea of love. My friends and family knew that in about 4 to 6 months I wouldn’t like the guy anymore. I grew up without a dad. I never saw that relationship of husband and wife. I wanted what I didn’t have. I never had a man tell me I was good enough. I wanted that. I sought for that approval through guys. I did not know who I was growing up. I tried to be what I thought people wanted. I was shallow. I did not feel good enough so I put on a front. I was full of attitude and sarcasm. I was a great actress. So I never discovered who I was, what I liked, what my priorities were. I was too focused on whatever guy I was with at the time. I dated for a while after my divorce. Dating in your late 20s and 30s is the worst! ever! I laugh and cringe thinking about the awful dates I went on. For years I thought, “I’m going to stop dating, only focus on myself, spend all my time with the kids, really spend time in the bible, start volunteering, learn how to be okay alone.” It was a good plan until I met someone else. Eventually, I got tired of dating. Every date was lame, every guy hitting on you and not really caring who you are, a first date where the guy touches you too much. “Don’t like being touched, thank you….” ha. The guy who asked me to meet his mom on the first date. AGH. The guy who sent me an explicit video because he missed me. What happened to sending flowers? Ugh. The guy who got drunk at dinner and tried to feed me. Um no. The guy who told me we would all end up being computers. (slowly walks backwards to get away). The guy who said my tattoo “wasnt that bad”. The guy who you find out isn’t “totally” divorced. The guy who thinks he has a great voice and wont stop singing. The last guy I dated invited me up to the heights for the weekend. Ugh I just didn’t want to. I realized how I was tired from all of it. I broke up with him. I stayed home that weekend. The kids were with their dad and I was alone. I decided that I would do this for at least a year. It ended up being a year and a half. I had my moments of feeling lonely and then they started to go away. Do you know that movie Run Away Bride? Julia Roberts is so unsure of who she really is that she doesn’t even know what kind of eggs she liked. She always just got whatever eggs her boyfriend at the time ordered. My sister said, “That’s you. You have no idea what kind of eggs you like.” She was right. I wanted to find out. I literally made all the different type of eggs one day. I like poached with salsa. It wasn’t literally about eggs though right? So I spent that year hanging out with my sister and brother in law. I went hiking. I went bike riding. I read so many books. I went to therapy.  I took my kids on vacation. I played with them and cooked with them and did art with them. I hung out with my mom. I hung out with my best friends. I prayed, a lot. I got into small group at church and made friends. I started volunteering at church. I worked out. I ran. I took jujitsu classes. I went on road trips alone. I cooked. I went to restaurants alone. I went to movies alone. I went to California and hung out with my brother. I got tattoos. I hiked in the mountains in Puerto Vallarta. I watched classic movies. I decorated my house and planted flowers. I killed the flowers. I drew pictures (I cant draw but it was fun). I read poetry (please read rupi kaur and Amanda Lovelace). I cut my hair super short and then I grew it out and then I got bangs and then I colored it, I played with my dog, Hazel. I went to the beach and read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, another great book. I listened to music super loud and danced around the house. I did whatever I wanted with no guy in the background giving his opinion or his itinerary. I grew to love time with myself. Most importantly I grew to love time with God. I tried to open the bible every day. I read this book I Don’t Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton. It is my favorite book now. She talks about sitting in front of God with only the intention of being with God, not because you want something. Her life did not happen like she wanted. She talks about what happened instead. This is the only author I have ever written. She wrote me back and I nerded out a little. I wanted to come to God with only the intention of spending time with him, getting to know him, to be more like him. Our pastor says that when you open the bible, God opens his mouth. This was the case for me. Do I audibly hear him? No. But I know that what I am reading is something meant for me. I feel it as I read it.

I realize now that without a doubt I have daddy issues. I hate that term. I hate admitting that I have them. No matter how great of a job my mother did she could not protect me from that. I missed out on having a dad love me. So I looked for it, it was my way of feeling wanted or valuable. It’s crazy how these childhood issues can shape everything in your life. If I could go back I would focus on myself and what I wanted. I would make God my priority. I would not be that boy crazy girl who searched for validation in all of the wrong places. It took a long time but I am okay now. I don’t feel lonely when I am alone. I actually crave my alone time. I know that no relationship is going to fill that void that I felt almost my entire life. God fixed that. I am engaged now. I started dating him after being single for a long time and being okay with being alone. My relationship with Duane benefits my life in so many ways. I would survive without him though. Luckily I don’t have to. I don’t change who I am with him. I am completely myself, to a fault. We are a team in life and he points me to Jesus over and over. I know who I am now. I know what I stand for and what I believe in. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone or to not act like myself. I know what eggs I like. I know now to whom I belong. I am the daughter of my father in Heaven, a child of God, deeply loved.

This post was important for me to write because I know that there are so many women like me. I don’t pretend to have any answers, just my own story. Hopefully my story helps in some way.

I had just graduated college. My boyfriend at the time invited me to spend the weekend at his ranch. I hope he reads this one day so he can see how he traumatized me. I am laughing while I say that because this is a great guy, just a crazy experience. So we had a great time at the ranch. We spotted animals in the dark and drove a mule around. We hung out with his sister and searched for snakes. It was fun. Then he said, “I want us to go visit my neighbor for a little bit, do you mind?” I said sure and we headed that way. These houses were spread out. We got there and knocked on the door. A very old man came out of his house and we started talking to him. He had sunken eyes and seemed tired. Then he invited us in. My boyfriend smiled a little and I looked at him like “what?” But we just walked in. As soon as we stepped inside the house I was in shock. This man had a coffin set up in his living room. Not just any coffin, but HIS coffin! On the walls above the coffin were pictures of Jesus. The old man was very proud of his coffin that he had picked out. He showed me the lining he had picked out for himself and told me about the colors he picked out. His wife had already died and he was ready to go. He talked about his love for Jesus and he wanted to go to Heaven now. I was young (22) and I was nice but didn’t know what else to say. When we left I’m pretty sure I hit my boyfriend multiple times (in a joking way). Give me a warning man! Looking back I feel sad for that man. I understand a little about depression, how horrible you can feel. Where was his family? Where were his friends? Did he have anyone who would be there for him, to tell him his life was not over. Life can be hard and lonely.. But if we just throw in the towel on this life and build our coffin and wait for death we are missing out on what we could still do in this life. Picking yourself up and finding a way to continue on when you don’t want to is one of the strongest things you can do. I think about meeting Jesus and going to Heaven a lot. I do look forward to it. But I want to use the rest of the life I have left. The older I get the more I see horrible things happen. Wives losing husbands, women losing babies, children passing away, etc. I don’t know what I would do if those things happened to me. I have watched the people I know who have gone through that keep going. And it is inspirational and shows such strength. When I am down I call my sister, or my close friends, or my small group at church. My small group women know me, they let me vent, they pray for me. And I do the same for them. If you feel like you can’t go on reach out to someone. You are important. You are strong. You can get through this. Your life matters. Don’t build your coffin just yet.

When I was 27 years old I got divorced. I had three kids. My daughter was 2 months old. My sons were 1 and 2 1/2. Yes, I had my hands full. We moved out of our 5 bedroom house into a two bedroom apartment. To make sure the babies slept I decided to sleep on the couch. That was my bedroom. I had been a stay at home mom when I was married and during the divorce I started working a 10 and sometimes 12 hour shift at a daycare and the kids went with me. We were still trying to sell the house we had owned so we were paying for that, the new apartment, lawyer fees, and many other bills. One of those bills I was paying was a very!! expensive car note on a very new suburban. I had to find a car that would fit my three small kids. I searched and I found a gold mini van. Yes, I said Gold. I went in to trade my car in. I was upside down on my suburban. Yes, I made many mistakes when I was young but we can get to that later. I remember the owner of the dealership seriously coming out to shake my hand and to tell me how great this car was. I remember thinking, “Relax dude, you are going to get the brand new fully loaded suburban and I am going to leave with the golden mom mobile, so calm down.” All of the papers were being drawn up and I was texting my sister “oh how the mighty have fallen”. She thought that was hilarious. I had always sworn to never drive a mini van. I look back on how stupid and vain I was and am annoyed with myself now. So, I had my mini van and my apartment and time went on. A year later I went on a date. Not just any date. A date with a guy I had pretty much liked since 6th grade. If you know who it is shut your mouth. haha. So we went and had dinner and then he was pulling up to my apartment to drop me off. He said, “Which car is yours?” I said. “that one.” and pointed to my gold minivan. He said, “what? really? That’s unfortunate.”

Honestly, I don’t remember what I said after that. Not many dates happened after that because we were always meant to be friends. He is a nice guy. But I thought about how he said “That’s unfortunate” over and over. That was his perception. But I had a different one. This post started out with me naming all of these hardships that we had as a family, like moving into an apartment and working 12 hour shifts and trading in my car. But I remember other things. first, I remember how much money I saved by doing those things and I feel good knowing I did what I had to do for my family. I did what was right. I also remember showing the kids the new car and how excited they were because it had a dvd player in it. They loved the new car. They yelled “golden!!” at the top of their lungs when we were looking for it in the parking lot. I came to love that car. That was “our car”. It belonged to me and the kids and it was ours. We lovingly called it golden girl.

I remember that apartment we moved into and smile. We left this big house for this small apartment. But the kids got new rooms and new beds. We put our pictures on the walls. We ate breakfast together early in the mornings before we all headed to the daycare at 6am. They ran around the daycare helping me open. When work was over we headed home together to the apartment. We made dinner together, we listened to the radio together, we danced together. Me and my babies, in OUR apartment. There was no chaos, no fighting, just us.

He saw a gold mini van. The dreaded mom mobile. He thought “That’s unfortunate.” But I think about how fortunate or blessed I was to find that car, to get out of that expensive car payment, to spend all of that time with my kids in a healthy environment, to realize what was REALLY important in my life. When I think back on that time it is fondly and always with a lot of pride.

Golden took a turn for the worse and kept on having problems. So many problems. Oh how lovely it was every time it started to smoke, or when it would lock up on me. I especially liked when everything came on. the blinkers, horn, wipers. I couldn’t get any of them to turn off. The day I sold it to Texas direct the guy at the body shop said, ” you will be lucky if you make it there.” I think that was a perfect ending to our hilarious relationship. Even though Golden caused me so many problems, I really was a little sad to see her go. Now we have Betty White. My fiancé, Duane, doesn’t like that I name all of my cars after old women, apparently that’s weird. ha! so him and the kids call it Marshmallow, but we know the truth. We live in a house now but when we drive by that apartment my kids always say they miss it. So do I sometimes.

We all get the point right? Those things in life that seem unfortunate, are they? Or are they unimportant? Trivial? Or, are they exactly what you need? Thanks for reading.

  CONTINUED:

My brother in law just sent me a sweet text about the new blog. He reminded me about a great memory with golden girl. My brother in law, Cody, and my sister, Tammy, live in a very nice neighborhood. Their neighbor has lion statues in the front yard, just saying. They have a neighborhood Facebook page that basically blasts anyone for doing anything wrong. It’s mostly wealthy retired people there. So one day I decide to go hang out with them. They live about an hour away from me in Kingwood, TX. I am a few miles away from their neighborhood when I start to hear a dragging sound from under my car. SON OF A !!!!! I think. I pull over and a big black plastic thing is hanging down, dragging on the street. I tried for a while to do anything to stop it from falling down but couldn’t. So there I am driving through their neighborhood. I pull up to their house and they are outside. All anyone can hear is chhhhhh. I can’t help but laugh as I pull up. Cody looks at me and just shakes his head in disapproval and Tammy just laughs. Cody zip ties it to my car and all is well. It stayed fixed until I was driving in Fredericksburg, TX one weekend with my mom and kids. It got ripped off and we kept on going. My mom just put her hand over her face in embarrassment. Good times.